Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may initially feel victimized or wronged, goes through a change in the translation of feelings and attitude regarding a given offender, and overcomes the impact of the offense including negative emotions such as resentment and a desire for revenge.
In 1799 on Egypt’s Mediterranean coast Napoleon’s forces were digging a foundation for a new fort. They came upon a 3.8 foot high, 2.5 feet wide, 11 inches thick, and 1700-pound stone slab. While removing it they noticed ancient script etched into it. Later it was discovered that the etchings were in three languages: ancient Greek, demotic (Greek language used by “ordinary” people), and Egyptian hieroglyphics. The three different languages carved in 196 BC, among other things, sang the praises of Ptolemy V, a Greek emperor who also ruled Egypt. Knowing Greek and some demotic, scholars for the first time were able to translate Egyptian hieroglyphics. The Rosetta Stone was the key to unlocking information and new understanding that had previously been untranslatable. The now famous Rosetta Stone, named after the city where it was found, has been in the London British Museum since 1802.
Aging can unearth our personal Rosetta Stone revealing formally hidden perspectives and information. New translations of our past can help us better understand ourselves and our relationships. A full translation of past events opens different perspectives, encourages new information, and guides us to better see our whole selves. A partial picture of ourselves is seldom a true picture.
Stanley Kunitz became the tenth Poet Laureate of the United States in 2000 when he was 95 years old. In old age Kunitz wrote extensively about his past and how he still looked forward to the morrow. He dug deep into himself, finding new interpretations of his life’s experiences and the importance of forgiveness. He wrote: “It is out of the dailiness of life that one is driven into the deepest recesses of the self.”
The power of forgiveness
Deep within oneself or perhaps on the surface of our lives may reside hurts that need healing, losses that need acceptance, and relationships that require forgiveness. Personal Rosetta Stones are a gateway to new translations, understandings, and forgiveness. When unearthed and translated honestly it reveals much of what has heretofore been hidden away, unresolved.
Those who forgive are more likely to report healthy behaviors and have more social support (Lawlerrow and Piferi, 2006). Research consistently shows that older people (70’s and 80’s) are much more forgiving than young and middle-aged adults (Frontiers in Psychology, April 18, 2012). The National Library of Medicine, December 2021, quotes the famous gerontologist Erik Erikson: “Forgiveness increases with age, new perspectives, and new information.”
Learning to forgive
Forgiveness can be difficult. There are situations where it is impossible to forgive. Finding a way to forgive without giving away our principles is not an easy task. Forgiveness does not mean you condone hurtful actions. It does not necessarily mean you want to be in a relationship again. However, true forgiveness can help both parties move forward with their lives. Forgiveness begins at the end of our comfort zone where we apply new translations to old hurts.
Self-forgiveness can be the most difficult. For example, if a person loses a life-long partner, deep seated grief is often supplemented by a feeling of relief. Heart wrenching loss that creates a lonely void may be accompanied by an experience of freedom from caregiving and a financial strength that had been threatened by medical expenses. Such relief may not seem appropriate and may lead to guilt and a desire for forgiveness. But forgiveness from whom? There is a tendency to think, “I will insist on feeling guilt, insist on being miserable. It seems the right thing to do.” Such thinking requires self-forgiveness.
If we leave new perspectives buried in the dirt begging to be translated, then unforgiveness can keep us bitter, angry, and fearful. It can sap our ability to find peace and happiness. Unforgiveness can create:
- Temperament issues: vindictiveness, jealousy, bad temper, hurtful gossip
- Social issues: unapproachable, all things seen in negative light
- Neglect issues: leaving important things undone, words not spoken, opportunities ignored
Without forgiveness our “thought space” is taken up with judgment, emotional rejection, and/or self-righteousness. Buried untranslated perspectives leave one unwilling to see what is possible. In so many words we are saying to ourselves, “I will insist on being angry, hateful, and revengeful. I will make myself miserable. That will show them (or myself).”
At times we do not know how to heal the wounds we have caused or received. The Rosetta Stone of Forgiveness can help us look deep within ourselves where clarity and the pathway to forgiveness are found.
Our Rosetta Stone calls us to:
- Reflect on the situation.
- Put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
- Learn from the experience.
- Let it go.
- Decide where you want to go from here.
Conclusion:
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” – Mahatma Gandhi
After twenty-seven years as anti-apartheid political prisoner, Nelson Mandela served as the first president of South Africa from 1994-1999. He led with strength and compassion. Forgiveness was the key to his leadership. He approached forgiveness with the belief that it is not a weakness, but rather a strength.
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” – Nelson Mandela
“He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to live.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
It is not easy to reach a place where we forgive. But it is a powerful place, because it is where one becomes free. It is where hate cannot consume nor anger destroy. Forgiveness of others and ourselves can take time, but peace will come. Our Personal Rosetta Stone helps translate our buried histories, bringing healing light and hope for the days ahead.
Written by: Hartzell Cobbs
Hartzell Cobbs is the retired CEO of Mountain States Group (now Jannus, Inc.), a diverse nonprofit human service organization.
Now Available: THE MOON at the WINDOW
***All royalties from “The Moon at the Window” go to support the work of Smart Strategies for Successful Living.
About the Author: With a sprinkling of exuberance and vitality, Dr. Cobbs is an accomplished author of three books and numerous articles published in different venues throughout his life. Dr. Cobbs’ first book, Thanatos and the Sage: A spiritual approach to Aging (2008), offers a thought-provoking interpretation of the interplay between how to live life with meaningful intentions and the eventuality of coming to terms with death. His second book, Ravenwind (2019) delves into the raven’s role as it relates to Native American myths, legends, and folktales and global history. His reflections on the spirituality of living and dying depicted in his books are threaded throughout the short essays posted on the website for “Smart Strategies for Successful Living” and in his latest book, The Moon at the Window.
Smart Strategies for Successful Living provides an international format for writers to share research, thoughts, and experiences on aging well. One of our writers, Hartzell Cobbs, has compiled and edited articles from the past four years and put them in book form. “The book reveals the thoughts and emotions old age has dealt me” says Hartzell. “I have been surprised by how many aging people have similar experiences to my own.” The book has its genesis in Calcutta (now Kolkata), India, and concludes with reflections in the silence of the Arizona desert.
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On behalf of Smart Strategies for Successful Living, a special thanks goes to Hartzell Cobbs for his brilliant works as a guest writer and for donating the book royalties from “The Moon at the Window” to us. We greatly treasure his talents and generous support of our website.
