A good definition of a boring person is someone who talks about his operation when you want to talk about yours. Ursula K. Le Guin, who inspired this article, writes in the second chapter of her book No Time to Spare, that when people get old, not older, “younger people don’t want to hear about it. So honest conversations concerning geezerhood take place mostly among geezers.”
“It’s never too late to be what you want to be. Unless you want to be younger, then you’re screwed.”
From a Shannon Martin Design birthday card
That said, brace yourself, here it comes…my self-centered “woe is me” moment:
It all started so innocently. For some time, getting out of bed had been painful. Then a few weeks after my 80th birthday, I walked up to my house, tripped on the entry rug, lost my balance, and fell against the wall. Except for a few bruises and painful embarrassment, I was fine, but my beloved cane stared up at me from the ground where it now rested in three separate pieces.
A few days later I acquired a slight sore throat that quickly evolved into a horrendous cough lasting for over a month. Not Covid 19. Not flu. Just a sore throat and cough that seemed to go on forever and threatened in my self-pity moments to wipe me out. As I hobbled caneless around the house, one of my hearing aids ceased to hear. The earliest I could get a hearing appointment was in three weeks. On the positive side, increased back pain meant I was walking less so I did not need to take as many pain pills. And unfortunately, my mail order fiber gummies were arriving a week late.
Robert Frost, the great American poet asked, “What to make of a diminishing thing?”
The Hope
There is hope! I have been watching more TV lately with the sound turned up, and have learned that there is a cream that can take away my wrinkles, pills that can give me my memory back, and a senior living community that can make me feel 50 again.
Energized, coughing less, hearing aid fixed, yesterday I took a bath, shaved, put on regular jeans instead of sweat pants, and went to the grocery store. Ah, normalcy. Welcome back. I thought to myself, positive thinking is a great thing when based in realistic assessment, but not so good if founded in denial. Time to acknowledge my limitations. Not easy to do. This morning, as usual, it was a challenge to get out of the bathtub, but still doable and worth the effort.
The Truth
I have always loved the simple, yet profound, Serenity Prayer that Alcoholics Anonymous has popularized for us all: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference.” The prayer was written in 1943 by Reinhold Niebuhr, theologian and author of The Nature and Destiny of Man that is ranked by Modern Library as number 18 of the top 100 non-fiction books of the twentieth century. One of my favorite authors, Viktor Frankl, picked up on Niebuhr’s theme when he reflected on his time in a concentration camp during World War II. He wrote: “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” All who age need to assess their changing. Such long-term change is rarely positive, but we can still choose to make the best of it.
And Life Goes On…
My cane has been repaired. I walk more by taking an additional pain pill for my warped spine, and I now function in a manageable way. The new hearing aid is certainly helping, but far from perfect. My fiber gummies are scheduled to arrive this afternoon. The bathtub remains a challenge. I am slowly learning to let go of my self-pity and focus on what I find doable and meaningful. However…I am still 80.
We all have a never-ending task of making choices. We choose our means along with our goals. If we let go of goals, become indifferent to life with its limitations, our hearts harden and we can no longer choose the good or meaningful. Hate and depression reign. We cannot let this happen. We cannot destroy “limited” by replacing it with “nothing.” We cannot let go of kindness at the very moment we most need to give and receive it.
It was May 2004, Boise, Idaho, where my mother lay dying at age 83. With just a few days to live, her grandson, Benjamin, who was born a month before, arrived from Massachusetts. My mother, with strength I didn’t know she had, first held then lifted up the new born baby. For me a reflection of Benjamin appeared deep within my mother’s tear-filled eyes. I saw the continuance of life in that moment, the eternal power of love, as my mother lived fully in her last moments.
What to make of a diminishing thing?
Thomas Jefferson died in 1826 at the age of 83 although he had been sick since 1818. While sick, he established the University of Virginia that began holding classes two weeks before he died on July 4th.
As life slows down, we can still live fully. It is a time to examine ourselves honestly, to not run from either the negative or positive that we all experience, but blend the two together bringing new and exciting perspectives and expressions to our later years. Even with our limitations, there is still life to be lived.
Written by: Hartzell Cobbs
Hartzell Cobbs is the retired CEO of Mountain States Group (now Jannus, Inc.), a diverse nonprofit human service organization.
Now Available: THE MOON at the WINDOW
***All royalties from “The Moon at the Window” go to support the work of Smart Strategies for Successful Living.
About the Author: With a sprinkling of exuberance and vitality, Dr. Cobbs is an accomplished author of three books and numerous articles published in different venues throughout his life. Dr. Cobbs’ first book, Thanatos and the Sage: A spiritual approach to Aging (2008), offers a thought-provoking interpretation of the interplay between how to live life with meaningful intentions and the eventuality of coming to terms with death. His second book, Ravenwind (2019) delves into the raven’s role as it relates to Native American myths, legends, and folktales and global history. His reflections on the spirituality of living and dying depicted in his books are threaded throughout the short essays posted on the website for “Smart Strategies for Successful Living” and in his latest book, The Moon at the Window.
Smart Strategies for Successful Living provides an international format for writers to share research, thoughts, and experiences on aging well. One of our writers, Hartzell Cobbs, has compiled and edited articles from the past four years and put them in book form. “The book reveals the thoughts and emotions old age has dealt me” says Hartzell. “I have been surprised by how many aging people have similar experiences to my own.” The book has its genesis in Calcutta (now Kolkata), India, and concludes with reflections in the silence of the Arizona desert.
For additional information: CLICK HERE.
On behalf of Smart Strategies for Successful Living, a special thanks goes to Hartzell Cobbs for his brilliant works as a guest writer and for donating the book royalties from “The Moon at the Window” to us. We greatly treasure his talents and generous support of our website.
