From time to time over the years I found myself seated in an airplane as the flight attendant presented the safety procedures. I confess to no longer listening to the all too familiar instructions. Rather, I finish up a text message or find a book on Kindle to read. The previously memorized flight attendant’s instructions hum in the background: “…If there is a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be deployed. Simply pull down the string, place the mask over your head, and breathe normally. And if you’re traveling with small children, place the mask on yourself first before helping another.”
The unheard but familiar words ring inside my head. Place the mask on yourself before helping your child? Sounds counter intuitive. Wouldn’t you want to make sure your wiggly worm kid is safe first? On second thought, it is obvious you must be safe if you are to help your child. Helping the other and helping oneself are bound together.
This is also true with love. To love others it is essential that we love ourselves as well. We can’t do one without the other.
And yet…“Love myself?” “Love others?” What the heck does that mean? And how do I do it?
My Kindle revealed that it has 66,098 books about love on file. The second book listed was “Love for Beginners.” I thought about buying it but Kindle wants $9.99. Therefore, I turned to ancient history for insight.
For starters, to love oneself we must first “know thyself” as Aristotle said. Seems simple. After all, we wake up in the morning, brush our own teeth, eat our own breakfast, never leave ourselves all day long, and do our own thinking (at least part of the time). What else do we need to know?
Well, in truth we are sometimes strangers to ourselves despite our best efforts to know, understand, and be the most authentic version of who we are. Time and experience teach that who we are can change, be surprised by our own thoughts and actions, and leave us in utter mystery as to who we really are. Indeed, even to the life well examined there is opaqueness inherent in self-definition.
To love ourselves when we have trouble knowing ourselves is a challenge. Is love temporary or enduring, blind or clear sighted, possessive or freeing? Is it reserved for one person alone or universal? Elevating or degrading?
Plato: “Each person is in an argument with himself. He is torn between impulses of self-affirmation and self-negation, self-love and self-hatred.”
Such confusion about who we are and what is important can lead to being engrossed with our own security or prestige and denying our contradictions. When this happens we are not free to love. Some time ago Plato’s student, Aristotle (384-322 BCE), made this point. He said we often believe “self-love is experienced when a person has a greater share of wealth, honors, and bodily pleasures than his (Aristotle never refers to women) neighbors.” Our actions say these are what we love most about ourselves for these are what most of us spend our time trying to obtain. Aristotle goes on to say a good man (or woman which Aristotle does not mention) obeys reason. Good is done out of love for self and others, even dying for others or country (Nichomachean Ethics, Book 9, Chaps.4 and 8).
In our own time the social psychologist Erich Fromm (1900-1989), builds on Aristotle’s thought. In his book, The Art of Loving, Fromm says we best know ourselves through love that is primarily defined as giving with freedom. The practice of love (giving freely) has four basic elements: 1) Care, or active concern for the life and growth of that which we love including ourselves. 2) Responsibility, i.e., ready to respond to the needs of another. 3) Respect for our and the other’s unique individuality knowing we all need to develop in our own way. 4) Knowledge of self and the other lies at the heart of love.
Fromm goes on to define various forms of love: brotherly, parental, erotic, religious. (My wife believes he should have added chocolate.)
Regardless of the form our love takes, to be expressed it must be given away. If it only focuses on self it becomes narcissistic. To love is to be delighted in the happiness of others. Such delight goes beyond caring, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Love includes the intensity of our feelings and the level of commitment. It requires engagement and activity. Love takes courage.
We live in a society that is not conducive to the art of loving one’s neighbor or self. It is all too easy to only focus on whether or not we are loved or present ourselves as lovable. Worry about popularity, material success, and physical attractiveness can blind our ability to care about others. A culture of consumerism (consumption) leads us to see relationships as valuable only when they provide benefits to ourselves. When the other person becomes a thing to us the ability to love them or ourselves dissolves. In such a world we only think to put on our own oxygen mask.
Children often remind us that life is much bigger and deeper when we give love freely and live authentically:
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don’t spell it, you feel it.
A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
….and my grandkids reach out and give me a hug.
In such a sacred moment I give and receive love. The oxygen of love fills my soul.
Aw, the love of life.
Priceless.
Written by: Hartzell Cobbs
Hartzell Cobbs is the retired CEO of Mountain States Group (now Jannus, Inc.), a diverse nonprofit human service organization. He is the author of the recent book, RavenWind, that is available through outlets such as Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Archway Publishing. His first book, Thanatos and the Sage: A Spiritual Approach to Aging, is available through Amazon.
More about Dr. Cobbs’ latest book, Ravenwind…
From ancient lore, down millenniums, traveling through worldwide mythologies, legends, and folktales, the mythical raven is entwined in the history of mankind. Most researchers agree that about twenty thousand years ago the first Americans came from Siberia across the Bering Land Bridge to what is now North America. The Siberians and their shamans were accompanied by the mythical raven who mediated between the physical and spiritual worlds.
With the Siberian influence, Northwest Native American mythology speaks of the raven as creator, destroyer, and trickster. As in Siberia, raven soars on the wind between the great spirit/mystery and the physical world. Raven teaches respect for earth and the oneness of all that is.
In RavenWind, author Hartzell Cobbs offers at look at the raven’s role in world history and in Native American myths, legends, and folktales. He tells how the raven of folklore calls one to follow, to listen, and experience life with all its complexity, insight, ambiguity, contraction, and humor. With an emphasis on Native American tradition, Cobbs explores the presence of mythical raven in the mundane.